Is this how it's supposed to work?

I've always told myself that I would never grow too dependent on people to the point where I cannot do things on my own. When you are on the verge of being able to share your life with someone else, where do you draw the line?

I was dissapointed tonight because he wasn't going to join us for dinner. I hadn't seen him all day and I was kind of looking forward to it. Have I really grown this needy, this dependent? We spent the majority of the day yesterday. He finally let me learn how to drive his car and watched a few movies after we had dinner. Was this not enough time spent for the weekend? Was this not enough time spent for the week? How do I measure enough being enough? So, lf course, this got me thinking. How much of my time do I really want to compromise for him?

There's been so many things I've wanted to get done lately. I finally was able to purge my files today and got rid of a ton of old bills and other old documents that have been lying around for way too long. On top of that, I made a list of a bunch of other tasks I want to accomplish around the house. A few more weekends like this and my room will actually be spotless. Everytime he comes over, I feel like I have to make use of my time by myself so I can get a few things done before he comes over so we can actually hang out. Is this how it's supposed to work? Is this how it's going to be forever?

I've wanted to do a few more things to just help me be a happier and more positive person. For instance, I really want to get in the habit of making time to read more books. I figured this would be a good activity to do together and still be productive individually. So a week or so ago, I suggested that Sunday be a reading day unless other things came up. This idea hasn't really panned out too well. I want to do more walking around our neighborhood, especially when it's nice and sunny. Most of the time I've suggested this, my idea has been knocked down. I don't even mind if we go out in the evening! I feel safe doing so, especially if I have someone else with them. As the sun is staying out longer hours, I want to try to do more things outdoors. So there are many things that I'd like to do and, being the super multitasker that I am, I try to incorporate him so we can share some time. Should I even continue to make any more suggestions like the latter two if I've been knocked down a few times already? Damn...might as well do these things by myself!

So how much should I really involve him in my life? Am I being completely over dramatic about this? I think these are valid questions to ask, especially when one wants to continue moving forward in a committed relationship.

And another thing, why the hell does he feel like he always has to make things better when he really can't?! I realize there are times when I am being completely unreasonable and I accept that. Often times, it's just a way to release my frustration. I also know that the only person that can get me out of that frame of mind is me. I have to logically think my way out of whatever bummer of a situation I find myself. And there is nothing in this world anyone else can do to make me change my state of mind, not even him. We've already had a discussion about this. I told him that there are times that he just needs to let me be. JUST LET ME BE, DAMNIT! Have confidence that I know when I'm being unreasonable - at least most of the time. When I think I'm on the borderline, I'll ask for other people's opinions; and that includes him! This is the way I've always been and will most likely continue to be. I like my internal conflicts just the way they are. I think it's perfectly healthy to self-analyze. There are so many facets to my personality. I like exploring all of them in as a part of the process of building a strong character.

So where does this leave me? I'm still awake and a still a bit fuming and his ass is fuckin' snoring off in LA LA land. Serves him right to be reading this tomorrow instead of talking to me first about it. MF!

PS
No discussions will be had regarding this matter at places of employment. This definitely means YOU!